Not as in 'crazy' mad, but more to the 'angry' kind of emotion humans experienced.
And well, like many teenagers in this world, whenever I'm unhappy or angry, I drown myself in loud screamo music.
But at this moment, even though I've set the volume in full blast and set the loudest music I have ever had, I still can't reduce my said feeling.
All of sudden my headphones aren't soundproof at all. I can't block my feelings nor the world out.
The reason I'm mad, isn't that complicated.
I'm still a teenager, therefore I blame many of my mood swings on the damned teenager hormones which had troubled me oh-so-much for all my life (There I go again) far more often that I should really have.
Anyway, my mood worsened when I was disturbed at the 'time' I provided for myself. (I spend three to four hours on my room alone everyday, that helps me to bear with the necessity to communicate with the outer world) Today I tried to calm down when someone interrupted, it was like screaming in my mind while biting a few heads off at the process, but keeping a calm demeanour at the outside. Needless to say, I'm happy with the result as my mouth didn't go loose and said the things I didn't mean to. And the first trial had gone smoothly, however it's a whole different story later.
I don't know why I was still cranky after my (self-proclaimed) therapy session. I just got angry at nothing particularly at all.
And most important of all: I'm mad at myself.
Mad at my utter incompetence.
Mad at my irresponsibility for abandoning my duty as a child.
Mad at my own self for
Mad at my uncontrollable emotion.
Mad at my surrender to said emotion that I could do things I regretted so much later.
Mad at my constantly self-pity party I threw for myself.
Mad at my incapability to move on with my own life now that no one cares.
...and the list goes on.
Now, with the combination of music + rants of words, I finally managed to calm down...thankfully.
Anyway, I'm currently obsessed with this line of lyric:
I am not afraid to keep on living.
I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance
Yeah, I'm trying to hypnotize myself.
