Mad.

I am mad at this very moment.
Not as in 'crazy' mad, but more to the 'angry' kind of emotion humans experienced.

And well, like many teenagers in this world, whenever I'm unhappy or angry, I drown myself in loud screamo music.
But at this moment, even though I've set the volume in full blast and set the loudest music I have ever had, I still can't reduce my said feeling.
All of sudden my headphones aren't soundproof at all. I can't block my feelings nor the world out.

The reason I'm mad, isn't that complicated.
I'm still a teenager, therefore I blame many of my mood swings on the damned teenager hormones which had troubled me oh-so-much for all my life (There I go again) far more often that I should really have.

Anyway, my mood worsened when I was disturbed at the 'time' I provided for myself. (I spend three to four hours on my room alone everyday, that helps me to bear with the necessity to communicate with the outer world) Today I tried to calm down when someone interrupted, it was like screaming in my mind while biting a few heads off at the process, but keeping a calm demeanour at the outside. Needless to say, I'm happy with the result as my mouth didn't go loose and said the things I didn't mean to. And the first trial had gone smoothly, however it's a whole different story later.

I don't know why I was still cranky after my (self-proclaimed) therapy session. I just got angry at nothing particularly at all.

And most important of all: I'm mad at myself.
Mad at my utter incompetence.
Mad at my irresponsibility for abandoning my duty as a child.
Mad at my own self for
Mad at my uncontrollable emotion.
Mad at my surrender to said emotion that I could do things I regretted so much later.
Mad at my constantly self-pity party I threw for myself.
Mad at my incapability to move on with my own life now that no one cares.

...and the list goes on.

Now, with the combination of music + rants of words, I finally managed to calm down...thankfully.

Anyway, I'm currently obsessed with this line of lyric:

I am not afraid to keep on living.
I am not afraid to walk this world alone.

Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance

Yeah, I'm trying to hypnotize myself.